Thursday, March 04, 2010

7 Habits of a Highly Successful One Night Stand...

I occasionally read these stupid Cosmo-type articles aimed at men.  99 out of 100 of them are total bullshit or at least merely state the painfully obvious facts.  

This one, written by a chick it seems, (Jenni Maier), was actually quite good.

7 keys to a successful one-night stand

 1 Don’t acknowledge you don’t know her name

You just finished having the most amazing sex of your life and you realize you don’t even know her name. Danielle? Jessie? Thomas? Don’t ruin the moment by admitting you forgot her name. Combine hot, sexy, stuff, thing, and baby in any order to create a personalized and unforgettable nickname.

Great advice!  How many times have I strung those together before I made my escape?!

2 Don’t exchange information in the morning

So you’re leaving in the morning and you feel bad saying “see you probably never.” Instead of asking for her number and giving her the false impression you’ll call, locate the nearest exit and whisper goodbye before she’s even awake. If you feel guilty just leaving, tell her you’re married, and this can’t ever happen again.

Even if you think you REALLY like her, get out.  It's called a one night stand for a reason! See #5.

3 Don’t go to brunch

Just because conversation flowed in bed (“harder,” “faster,” “I said donkey was my safe word”) doesn’t mean it will go as well over breakfast. Sitting at a restaurant trying to make small talk will only emphasize that you’re actually strangers. However if you’re feeling chivalrous, be a gentleman, and leave her a few dollars to grab herself an Egg McMuffin.

Agreed, brunch sucks.  Never do this!  And the few bucks...totally optional.

4 Go back to her place

It’s incredibly important that you make every effort to end the night in her bed. It’s much harder to come up with an excuse to leave early in the morning when you’re already in your own apartment. A foolproof way to guarantee that you end up back at her place is to tell her she’s welcome to come home with you as long as she doesn’t meeting your parents and sleeping in your bunk bed.

Again, easy escape.  Wow, this chick is good!

5 Keep it Casual

No matter how many ways you did it, a one-night stand is not an appropriate time to begin discussing personal matters. Don’t extend beyond small talk about the weather and the time of day. If you exchange career information or last names, things have gone too far, and odds are high you’re going to end up with a serious girlfriend.

Serious girlfriend built on the foundation of a one night stand?  Never going to work,ever...

6 Don’t do anything weird in bed

On one hand you’ll never see her again. On the other hand she might just be a sex blogger who will share all the weird details, as well as your full name. Try your hardest to keep it normal by refraining from pulling out your collapsible whip and inflatable sex doll.

This chick is off here.  So what if your weird stuff ends up on a blog, I talk about it on the show.  I have a number of whips, no sex doll though, I'll have to look into that.

7 Use Protection

Nothing turns a one-night stand into a shotgun wedding faster than an unplanned pregnancy. The last thing you want to do is spend all your hard-earned money on paternity tests and child support. Pulling out only works in red states where condoms aren’t sold without a prescription.

Yes, yes, yes, I can't say yes enough.  If she ends up knocked up, it is even less likely to work.  I think they made a stupid happily-ever-movie about this...only in the movies, only in the movies...


Blogger Peter Dengler said...

Great advice. I mean, I've been married for more than 20 years, so what the fuck do I know, but ...

I can say this, when I was out there, the "never do anything weird" advice simply wouldn't fly.

Fuckin' A!

Truth is, just by fucking me, a chick was doing something "weird", something "beyond the pale".

And yeah, donkey was a good safe word, but when chicks used it, I knew that meant I wasn't getting anything.

Not even a blow job.

5:18 AM  

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