Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Maybe Modine's Next Role Can Be In The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

And guess what part he would perfect for?

I'm getting ahead of myself here...

First, how do you not love Greg Gutfeld?

Second, what is wrong with Matthew Modine?

What a total douchebag!  

And punishment for this type of douchebaggery should be shipping his vinegar scented self right the fuck to Osama Bin Laden.  You asked for it, you got it!  

See ya Matthew.  And the miracle you speak of, would be your return, you naive child!

Hey Matthew, how big is that head of yours?  Well, don't worry, hang out with Bin Laden's crew for any amount of time and you will be relieved of said head.

And now you know what part he would be perfect for in The Legend of Sleepy Hollow...

Red Hot Babe

Jesse James Posed as Adolf Hitler While Dating Sandra Bullock

Around 2004, a year before wedding Sandra Bullock, Jesse James posed as Adolf Hitler, wearing a German soldier's cap, miming the evil dictator's mustache and giving a "Heil, Hitler" salute.

The disturbing photo is featured in the new Us Weekly (on newsstands now).

PHOTOS: Sandra and Jesse in happier times

"He did it for shock value," a source tells Us Weekly of the shot, taken in James' home.

The photo comes out days after TMZ unearthed a shot of James' alleged mistress, tattoo model Michelle McGee, wearing a swastika armband at a photo shoot.

PHOTOS: Shocking images of Michelle McGee

Is James -- who has since checked into rehab -- a neo-Nazi?

Though some have suggested that his West Coast Choppers logo resembles the Third Reich emblem, the biker is "just a history buff," an insider tells Us Weekly. "He had a stepmom whose father lost family in the camps, and they'd talk about it growing up. Jesse's not a white supremacist."

PHOTOS: Stars caught cheating

Adds another, "Gearheads are fascinated by war machines, including those of the Third Reich. But he's far from a neo-Nazi."

Right, he's not a Neo-Nazi. He just dates Nazi chicks, has a company with a logo favored by Nazis, and poses for photographs doing Nazi salutes.

But, he's no Nazi.

Where'd you ever get an idea like that?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Creepy Kids Books

As we promised on the show, here are the covers of the creepy kids books...

The Only Proper Way to Wear a Niqab

From Planck's Constant:

A niqab (meaning mask in Arabic) is a veil covering the face and worn by some Muslim women as part of their hijab. The niqab is most common in the Arab countries of the Persian Gulf and in Pakistan.

Muslim girls from certain sects of Islam are advised to begin wearing the niqab as soon as pubic hairs begin to show. Now I think this is rather silly since the niqab does not hide pubic hairs. It would make more sense to require the niqab as soon as Muslim women begin to sport facial hairs.

Reader Hank Hyena (and blogger at Hedonist Futurist) sent me this photo of the only proper way to wear the niqab:

If Muslim men had this relationship with their women I would not write nasty things about burqas.

Yes! Nearly naked burqa gals can be viewed here (WARNING NSFW).

Dear Penthous Forum ...

Monday, March 29, 2010

Political Correctness Run Amok

Iowa Town Renames Good Friday to 'Spring Holiday'
One week before the most solemn day in the Christian year, the city of Davenport, Iowa removed Good Friday from its municipal calendar, setting off a storm of complaints from Christians and union members whose contracts give them that day off.
Taking a recommendation by the Davenport Civil Rights Commission to change the holiday's name to something more ecumenical, City Administrator Craig Malin sent a memo to municipal employees announcing Good Friday would officially be known as "Spring Holiday."
Photo: Davenport residents upset over Good Friday change
"My phone has been ringing off the hook since Saturday," said city council alderman Bill Edmond. "People are genuinely upset because this is nothing but political correctness run amok."
Edmond said the city administrator made the change unilaterally and did not bring it to the council for a vote, a requirement for a change in policy. 

"The city council didn't know anything about the change. We were blind sided and now we've got to clean this mess up. How do you tell people the city renamed a 2,000 year old holiday?" said Edmond.
It didn't take long for the city the resurrect the name Good Friday. Malin was overruled today and the words "Spring Holiday" disappeared.
Good Friday commemorates the day Jesus was crucified and died. Christians celebrate his resurrection the following Sunday, Easter

The Civil Rights Commission said it recommended changing the name to better reflect the city's diversity and maintain a separation of church and state when it came to official municipal holidays.
"We merely made a recommendation that the name be changed to something other than Good Friday," said Tim Hart, the commission's chairman. "Our Constitution calls for separation of church and state. Davenport touts itself as a diverse city and given all the different types of religious and ethnic backgrounds we represent, we suggested the change."
News of the change could not have come at more significant time in the Christian calendar. News of the name change spread through the town on Palm Sunday, the beginning of Holy Week, becoming a topic of conversation at church services throughout Davenport.

"If you deny the idea of Good Friday then you have to deny Easter," Monsignor Robert Schmidt told ABC affiliate WQAD.
Hart said the commission had no plans to change the name of Easter Sunday, because it fell on a weekend and government offices were already closed. The commission, he said, discussed changing Christmas, but decided enough other religions celebrate Christmas too. Hart, however, could not name one. 

The religious right has attacked town governments that have removed public Christmas displays, calling such practices a "war on Christmas."
City employees, beginning with local police, feared the name change would violate their union contracts with the city, which specifies Good Friday as an official municipal holiday. Employees that work city holidays are paid time and a half. 

Davenport officials called the name change an "error."
"The City of Davenport will be observing "Good Friday" as a City Holiday on April 2," read a statement released today.
"City Administrator Malin, in error, forwarded the recommendation to staff for further review and action, leading to release of a holiday notice with the holiday named 'Spring Holiday,' rather than "Good Friday," read the release.
Davenport's mayor said people were right to be angry but that Good Friday would continue to be acknowledged.
"I understand why people were so upset," said Mayor Bill Gluba. "My position is we have a lot more important issues. We'll fix this and move on."

What bothers me about this story and others like it, is that Good Friday and Easter Sunday ARE Christian holidays.  If you take the name and therefore the religion out of it, THERE IS NO HOLIDAY!

Don't you dare mess with Easter!!!

Mmmmm....Easter Bunny.....

Friday, March 26, 2010

Help Your Fellow Americans

OK, first off, we have a real problem in the United States.

That problem is that the people don't understand basic economic principles and taxes.

Let's watch this...

Yep, Obama is going to pay for her mortgage and gas.

This would be kind of funny, if it wasn't so serious.

How many people actually thought that when voting for Obama?  Obviously a lot.

That brings me to this...

See, the money to pay mortgages and gas comes from Obama's Stash.  If only that were true.

Now we all know, especially if you are familiar with this blog or the show, that this is totally foolish.

Obama doesn't have any money, for that matter, neither does the government in general.  I'm not talking about their personal money, of course they have that.  But the government doesn't have any money until they TAKE IT from us in the form of taxes.  I know, most of you are saying, Well, no shit Fu2rman!

I know, I know, but clearly I have to make this point, because not every American understands this.  This is one of those posts that is so elementary, it saddens me a little that I even have to write it. 

For the government to spend money on anything, they have to take it from US first.  Or borrow it, which WE eventually have to pay back, so it's the same thing.

We often hear that those of us that think this way are cold hearted towards the less fortunate.  

In fact, the opposite is true.  All this does is widen the divide between the wealthy and the poor.  If you have millions of dollars, and your dollars aren't worth as much, at least you still have a lot of them.  If you don't have many dollars, and those dollars are worth less, you are even LESS fortunate than you were before.

This my friends, is were socialism leads a society.

The scary thing is this...

Why is that so scary?

Because Sharpton is 100% correct!

I hate to say it, but Obama won.  He campaigned saying he was going to give Health Care to every American.  He said he was going to take from the rich and spread it around.

His stimulus package did exactly that, most of it went to union and government workers, and next to nothing to the private sector.  And now he has given us Health Care...sort of.  I mean, we'll have it in 4 years, even though we have to start paying for that coverage now, but that's another topic.

The unfortunate thing is that The American People voted for this.  Well, 53% voted for it.

The problem here is the totally uninformed voter.

So what do we do about it?

This is our homework, all of us, for the next year, and the next three years before the next two elections...

Ask every American, Where does the money come from to pay for all of the Obama Entitlement Programs? 

If they say something utterly retarded like, From Obama's stash!, inform them.  Keep it simple, like I tried to do with this post. 

The only stash is The American Tax Payers pockets.

And I don't know about you, but I'm pretty discerning about who gets to put their hands in my pocket.

Kevin Durant Better Than Kobe???!!??!!?!?!? What a Fucking Joke

Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi says Kevin Durant is better than Kobe:

Kobe in reality has been no better than the second-best player in the league for about 18 months now — LeBron James passed him somewhere back in '08. He still had a legit claim to Alpha Dog status coming in to this year because he'd just won a championship. But there's a big difference between being "in the conversation" for the top-dog status and being the third-best guy — and one who's getting older. And that's where he is, third, because Durant is suddenly poster-izing the whole league.


I give you two videos. The first one is Kevin Durant's Top Ten Plays of All-Time, assembled by One of the Top Ten Plays" is Kevin draining a wide-open three. Pretty impressive, huh? I mean, shouldn't every NBA Player be able to drain a wide-open three now and then?

What a fucking joke?

The second video is a bunch of random Kobe action, assembled by a fan.

The first minute of Kobe action is entirely more impressive than anything from the Kevin Durant video.

Matt Taibbi must be a fucking retard.

In LA we get used to such greatness from Kobe. The rest of the country needs a little reminding every now and then.

It ought to be interesting to watch tonight as the Lakers play Kevin Durant's Thunder. Something tells me the only Thunder we'll be hearing tonight is the players on Durant's team shitting their pants.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


You know, I've found this to be true.

But, I never really thought about it, until I came across this article.

It should have been obvious to me, cuz I've gone out with a lot of hot chicks, and they all loved Taco Bell, and I FUCKING HATE TACO BELL.

From Mad Atoms:
All hot chicks love Taco Bell. It’s a fact.

I know, I know. It flies in the face of all logic. Other than maybe KFC, I can't think of a fast food joint that's more disgustingly terrible for you. It looks gross, smells gross, is gross. But without fail, any time I'm leaving a party/club/bar with one or more cute girls, it is demanded that I drive through Taco Bell (they have to be drunk of course, otherwise their weight phobias would prevent them from indulging). If my caluclations are correct, drunken hot girls make up around 61% of Taco Bell's late night drive thru clientele.

When I was in Europe, the girls I was with nearly drove me crazy every night asking our poor cabbies if he could drive through Taco Bell. They just couldn’t accept that there was actually a place in the civilized world that didn't have any. Then they’d start wistfully talking about cheesy burritos, Mexican pizzas, and beef gorditas like a bunch of stoned frat kids. It would’ve been creepy if it weren’t so bizarre (and simultaneously hot).

I’ve always found really hot girls pigging out kind of adorable, like the end of Footloose where all the kids who’ve never danced before suddenly freak out on the dance floor. But it doesn’t work for me with Taco Bell. It’s like watching someone wax their Porsche with steel.

I just want to slap it out of their hands, “It hurts me when you do this to yourself!”
What's extra weird is that the over-weight girls I know don’t adore Taco Bell. In fact, most seem to hate it. Whoever started Taco Bell must be a mad scientist. He planned this all along. Like a character in some cheesy 80's sex comedy, Mr. Bell must have created a special drug he puts in the "food" that, when combined with alcohol, makes sexy ladies ravenous for his heinous product.

I’m telling you, you want to get a group of hot girls back to your place when the bar closes? Just have a sack of chalupas on hand and leave a trail of sour cream leading to your car.

What Appeals To Women About Bad Boys

From "Dating Trainer" Robert Torry:
What is it about the attraction of Bad Boys? A lot of women have said they are attracted to bad boys. If you wonder why than read on. The typical badboy is * Cocky * Arrogant * Puts himself first * He is inattentive to a woman's needs * Does what he wants when he wants to do it, regardless of what anyone else thinks * Acts like a loose cannon * Struts his masculine sexuality * Isn't even remotely a "nice" guy * Uses women for sex * Feels he is on top of the mating chain. An Alpha male so to speak if you've watched the Discovery channel Ask any girl what she likes about the typical bad boys. A lot of women will answer that they never knows what to expect when a "bad boy" is around They find them as a challenge, and see bad boys as confident, Bad boys knows what they want and go after it. They are never boring. They are strong, aggressive, independent, and self-assured. Women feel safe around them. Some women like the idea that maybe "she " can fix him. When I asked around to a few women what they like about Bad Boys they answered some things like: Love and sex is stronger when it has intense emotions. The nice guy is like taking Amtrak whereas the bad boy is like a roller coaster. Nice guys can be manipulative. Sure they are always nice to you, but it is just to get others to be nice back to them, and that isn't real or natural for lovers. There's no challenge in nice guys. Women like a challenge and want to be able to reform a bad boy. It's more flattering for a bad boy to like you. It is more special for a guy to treat most of the people he meets like jerks, but treats you nicely Another said this about Bad boys: The last guy I was with was kind, gentle, and respectful of my needs and gave me everything I wanted, and never disagreed with me. I HATED IT! The guy I am with now is all these things...but will put me in my place when I need to be. I find that very often, I need to be put in my place.

He is not afraid to tell me I am wrong. That I am being a brat or just being plain ridiculous. and even if I whine and try to get my way, he won't give in to me if he really thinks he is right.

I need a knock-down, drag-out fight every once in a while. well, maybe not literally, no one wants to be hit or anything like that, but there is times that I need to argue.

You can't argue with someone who always says "you're right, princess. anything you say, angel."

It's nice to be indulged, sure; but how can you respect someone who kisses your ass? Yuck!!!, give me a guy who will stand up to me, and I will be his forever.

Another person's comment was

I am attracted to the bad boys for the more masculine reason (I like to think my man can protect me if need be) but also because the super nice guys I have met get caught up in the status quo and end up getting really lazy in the relationship and their own lives. I would love to find a super nice guy who can embrace the excitement of everyday life and the relationship but I haven't found it yet.

Somebody who can be labeled as a bad boy is masculine. He has a ton of confidence. Women find this trait of extreme confidence very attractive. It draws them towards confidence me. It has nothing to do with looks. It has to do with his attitude and his beliefs. It draws women on an emotional level and when emotions and logic come together more often than not if the emotion is powerful enough the emotions win.

Don't do these things below to be a bad boy:

Be clingy.

Be afraid to let her know you find her attractive.

Neglect having a life outside of the relationship.

Be too easy to get -- keep her intrigued.

Sacrifice your hobbies, life, friends, job, etc. for the relationship.

Be nice with the expectation that you'll get something in return for it-that's manipulative.

Come on too strong or try overly hard to impress.

Be possessive.

Be submissive -- women want a guy who's tougher and stronger than they are (but that doesn't mean they want someone to dominate them).

Become set in your ways.

Be a pushover.

The things to do to be a badboy:

Have fun.

Show self-confidence.

Be energetic.

Relax and take up space

Make Eye Contact with everybody

Project Your Emotions

Be passionate.

Lead others

Have a Playboy type attitude, playful and fun

Have a sense of adventure.

Be ambitious and lead

Have a life and hobbies outside of your relationship.

Be a manly protector-type (not macho or misogynistic).

Respect yourself.

Be exciting and unpredictable.

Be a challenge.

Give your own opinions.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Truth is Beauty, and Beauty, Truth

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
--- Ashley Smith

Me and the Fu2rman, we love art.

The other day, I got up early and went down to the beach to watch the sunrise. I brought a little leather journal along with me so I could jot down poesy if my soul were moved to it.

I sat staring at the waves, and I waited and waited to see the Sun come up over the horizon, but I couldn't see it because someone seemed to be turning on lights behind me.

I thought to myself, even the sunrise itself can be drowned out by the lesser lights of man, on a spring morning.

I jotted that idea down, feeling really fucking inspired,


then I realized, I live on the fucking West Coast. The sun doesn't fucking rise over the ocean. It sets in the ocean at the end of the fucking day.

Those "lights" behind me? They were the fucking sunrise, and I missed it. I missed the whole god damned thing, god damn it.

Pissed me off big time.

So, I went across the street to a liquor store, and bought a few tall ones. There were Cops all deep in my shit, so I decided to duck into an alley way to polish off my brewskis.

Next thing I knew, I was completely hammered. So, I went into this bar, to down some boilermakers. There was this chick down at the end of the bar who was about as hammered as me, so I figured I'd better say something romantic.

"You wanna go out to my car?"

"What ya' drivin'?"

"Trans Am."

And, it was all downhill from there.

Anyway, here's what she looked like.

Have you ever wondered what the celebrities look like without makeup? I know we have all see the tabloids at the stores that show some pictures now and then of these celebrities. Well here are 40 photos of some great celebrities without their makeup on, showing that at times they are just like the rest of us.

1. Alicia Silverstone

2. America Farrera

3. Ashley Tisdale

4. Avril Lavigne

5. Britney Spears

6. Brooke Shields

7. Calista Flockhart

8. Charlize Theron

9. Christina Applegate

10. Courtney Cox

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

Yes, that's right. Women make an awful lot of mistakes.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out. (This one ain't a problem for Dengler).

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counselling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. I’m pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some knee-pads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Secondary School.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissin’ quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when he’s touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you are a feminist… Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its OK to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is OK. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of un-fulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with make-up on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “Forget it” and rolling over are not OK.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

Monday, March 22, 2010

The Difference Between Kobe and LeBron Is That Kobe Works

There was a time when Kobe Bryant was a premier athlete in this league. But even in his prime he would never compare to the Paul Bunyan-esque physical attributes of LeBron James. However, physical features are not the biggest difference between Kobe and LeBron.

In fact, they're similar in many ways. They're both alpha dogs on their conference leading teams. They're the two most popular players in the league. And this marks the fourth year of "Kobe or LeBron" discussions, with LeBron taking the lion's share of the votes this season.

The "greatest player in the world" discussion is saved for a rare few, but Kobe and LeBron have owned it for years. So how did they get here?

Kobe earned it.

LeBron was handed it.

LeBron was last year's MVP and will continue that trend, not just this year, but for many years to come. His team once again leads the league in regular season wins. And if "the best player in the world" means putting up numbers and dunks right out of a video game, he's got that title locked up.

But if it means something more, then has there ever been a player so universally acclaimed that has done so little? That is LeBron's life. The NBA's golden boy before he ever stepped onto an NBA court. "The King" before attaining his first win.

It's old news that Kobe is the most polarizing figure in sports. Coming out of high school it was love him or hate him, but thirteen-years later those who hated Kobe now respect him. They respect his legendary work ethic. They respect his accomplishments.

Kobe has earned every shred of begrudged respect there is for him.

He had to rebuild himself time and time again. First overcoming selfishness and aloofness early in his career. Then the Colorado sexual-assault case. Then the messy divorce with Shaquille O'Neal that rocked Los Angeles. Then his own trade demand.

He moved past it all. He answered by winning. He started the 2007-08 season by getting boo'd in his own arena. He finished that season with 20,000 fans enthusiastically chanting three letters as he received the MVP award.

No one rises up again and again like Bryant.

He's rebuilt himself throughout his career. When he felt like he was getting pushed around on the court, he put on muscle. When he felt he could be more explosive and quicker, he shed excess weight.

He returns every season, honed and increasingly perfected.

When Kobe was developing his jumper he'd spend his offseason making 2,000 shots a day. Not taking. Making.

With one ball and one rebounder, Kobe can make 500 shots in about 60 minutes. Then he scored 81 points in one game. Or at least 50 in four consecutive games. Or seven game-winning shots this season. The fruit of hundreds of thousands of made jump shots in an empty gym when he's off the clock.

His work ethic and training habits have allowed him to outlast his contemporaries—Vince Carter, Allen Iverson, Tracy McGrady. Talented players who would have achieved so much more if they had pushed themselves. But no one pushes themselves harder than Kobe.

The Trailblazers came and went. The Kings came and went. The Spurs aren't great. The Celtics were great for one year. Kobe is still great. He's outlasted every rival.

Phil Jackson called him the most skilled player he's ever seen. Even a begrudged Shaquille O'Neal admitted that he never had a teammate that worked as hard as Kobe, who he described as "borderline possessed" about working out each day. It's no wonder that tandem didn't work out. Kobe could never empathize with Shaq's half-hearted efforts. Their relationship had an expiration date from the moment they shook hands.

Kobe never wanted to be a global icon. Just the best ball player. And he became so great that even the coldest skeptics had to love him.

Scoop Jackson summed it up:

"Kobe could give a damn what you think about him. As long as there’s a hardwood court, a rock, and 48 minutes, he’ll go out there and do whatever necessary to win, on both sides of the ball. But LeBron wants to know what you think about him. He needs it, to validate his growing perception of his status among the best players. He feeds off the crowd, and plays to your expectations."

LeBron is an entertainer. Time will tell if he'll have a career like Shaq's, which was good enough to win four championships on talent alone, but never reaching his ceiling. The liquid nitrogen that runs through Kobe's veins is born in the chilling depths of adversity. LeBron mimics it, but that steely determination cannot be taught.

It was Kobe's presence on Team USA that upped the ante. While LeBron "led through his words and actions at practice and on the team bus," Chris Sheridan reported, "Bryant led through his work ethic." Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony, and LeBron got a firsthand view of Kobe's workout. The impression was lasting.

All three of those players have elevated their games. The rest of the league is feeling the ripple effect of that summer together.

And although he had only generated bronze medals, LeBron proclaimed himself the leader of that team. Yet it was Kobe who set the tone and focus that summer. And when it came to crunch time, the rest of the squad looked to the most accomplished player on the court.

Sheridan continues, "So James and Bryant remain rivals in many ways. People close to James say it bothered him that Bryant was the one getting the lion's share of the rock star treatment in China, and it had to come as a surprise to James that the Madison Square Garden crowd did not rally behind him in anything even remotely resembling the way it had showered Bryant with affection [during his 61-point performance]."

Kobe had earned the respect of the Madison Square Garden crowd. He earned the respect of Team USA. He has earned your and my respect.

So let's nix the LeBron talk until he accomplishes something great. He has a fantastic chance of doing it this June. Most likely against Kobe himself. And when he does finally beat the best player in the world, he'll have earned the title for himself.

Friday, March 19, 2010

I Wish That I Had Jesse's Girl...

Well not really.

I mean I like Sandra Bullock, but I was never much of a fan.  When she married Jesse James I knew she was damaged, which actually made me a little bit of a fan.  You know how I dig the crazy...

Everyone is talking about James cheating with the tattoo chick and there are so many ways to comment on this story.  

Let's start with the obvious, why did he cheat on her, with her?

He has a perfectly good woman at home and he hits that?  Maybe that was the problem, she was too perfectly good.

Then there is the issue that he is possibly worth more money than her, but she gets all the attention.  How does a man deal with that?  

Screw some tramp, it appears.

Hard to say what his net worth really is.  Some places say his net worth up to $100 million.  Bullock's net worth is said to be $85 mil.

What I will focus on for this post is a conversation I had tonight at dinner.  Maybe I'll go into the other stuff on the show.

A woman in our group said, "Poor Sandra Bullock, don't you feel sorry for her?  I feel sorry for her!"

How can I answer that?

Simply, I guess.  NO, I don't!

When you marry a dude that already has two ex-wives, one of them a porn star and a junkie, you knew what you were getting into.

What did she think, she was going to save him?

That's not ever going to happen.
You always hear, don't judge a book by it's cover, but in this case, she had the cover, the forward, and the summary.

The dude makes his living being the bad boy, her good girl image isn't good for his image.  

They both make their living off their image and she, of all people, should understand that.

I'm not condoning or condemning James here.  It's similar to the Tiger thing.  The dude should never be married.  If you want to troll for tail, go ahead, just don't get freakin' married.  It's simple.

But again, if you are going to cheat, avoid porn stars, (Tiger) or chicks like this.

Discretion does not seem to be very high on their list of virtues.

If I were a single guy, and had the opportunity, I would have done both of them. 

Preferably at the same time...

Tiger is a Freak

But who isn't a freak?  

This week Joslyn James launched her website to show a number of the texts she received from Tiger.  

You don't have to be one of the most recognizable people on the planet to exchange texts like this.  My phone is full of similar texts, and I don't even date porn stars.

Here are just a few...

Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls
Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 08/29/2009:
You didnt answer the question
Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust

Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten
Tiger:Sent: 04:24 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine

Tiger:Sent: 12:42 PM 09/08/2009:
I have to leave for an appearance at 430 but i will be back at 730 for dinner and lots of dessert with you. How about a quickie before i go:)
Tiger:Sent: 01:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you
Tiger:Sent: 01:29 PM 09/08/2009:
Just morbid curiosity
Tiger:Sent: 01:30 PM 09/08/2009:
Really. You. You have done just about everything havent you
Tiger:Sent: 01:32 PM 09/08/2009:
Never done it. I think i would get stage freight

Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 09/08/2009:
Enter thru room 360. Its next door
Tiger:Sent: 03:42 PM 09/08/2009:
Hurry so i come in that ass

Rough sex, spanking and biting, threesomes, golden showers, anal, sounds like an average day...
I must admit, I'm more of a Tiger fan than ever!

The only issue I have here is that I wan to see what kind of super nasty things Joslyn said in reply...

Hottest Babe I've Ever Seen

This chick is the hottest babe ever ... Or, at least that's what I think today.

Deep Thought Of The Day

“The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.”
--- Jack Handy

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Stress-Releasing Meditation For The Day

From Laura at Ace of Spades:

Good Day to you, Morons, Moronettes, and all you drooling lovable pudding-eaters with your sneakers on the wrong feet.

As you all know, here at the 'Q, we usually depend on Val-U-Rite 'irregular' vodka and hobo-killin' to take care of any stress issues that may arise in the course of our daily meanderings.

However, sometimes the life's blood of a drifter slithering through our fingers in big wet chunky gobbets just isn't enough to calm us or take our worry away.

Let's be realistic; life has gotten difficult for many, many American working men and women. I'm sure there's plenty of tales of woe right here on this very blog. I have a couple of friends who are very, very, very tense right now. One of them is a working mom whose office staff has been pared back to the point where she feels that the world is resting on her shoulders. The other is the backbone of her family, who recently lost her (not-great paying) job and is trying to struggle along on some pretty paltry unemployment dough.

These are tense times. This post is dedicated to all you worried people, and to my friends Tammy and Lisa.

Most of us are probably familiar with these mental exercises that help affirm us and provide a healthy outlook.

I have a relaxing and enjoyable stress-reduction exercise for you under the break, here. Please consider it a gift from the Ace of Spades family, to yours.

After reading this, close your eyes and do the following:

Take a few deep, cleansing breaths.
Imagine yourself in a lovely natural setting of your own preference. It is a beautiful day. See your surroundings. The sky is blue, with just a few fluffy white clouds. You are seated comfortably and the sun is warming your skin.


Now I want you to think about all your stress, all your problems, the needs of your family, and all the difficulty you are having with other people, too. Imagine all of this taking the form of a bird. A really huge bird.

This bird is a gigantic ugly vulture, bigger than you, perched on your wretched shoulders like a malevolent spirit. Take a few moments to feel the weight on your shoulders, literally oppressing you. It is painful and your spine feels ready to crack from the weight. This ugly motherfucker's loathsome and filthy claws are digging into your neck, it is chuckling hideously, and you feel nauseated and wracked with unutterable fear.

Good. You're doing great.
Take a few short, shallow gulps for air.

The vulture's beak represents your own worry. The beast is now beginning to drag its beak, crusty and polluted, across your forehead, wickedly teasing you. This leaves stinging scratches in your skin, which further excite the bird's attention.

Imagine your bowels let go. Good.
Take in the whole scene. You are sitting in a pile of your own stinking waste while a putrid hellbound creature prepares to take you apart piece by quivering piece. Oh, and it's a gorgeous day outside. Nice little breeze is kicking up. Why not, right? At least it's not raining.

If you are on heart medication, place it under your tongue now and catch your breath to let the hysteria abate a bit.

The beak (which represents worry) now makes its initial foray into your flesh. It slams into the top of your eyesocket, bursting through your skin and mashing the soft flesh underneath. The foul, reeking beak continues hammering into your skull, pulling out mashed stringy bits of gore. Your eyeball is hanging wetly against your cheek, suspended at the end of some long piece of red goo. You know you are going to die, and you begin screaming, screaming, screaming in vain.

Take a breath.

Look; how bad is your day, really? Think about it.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

O'bama The Irishman

Well, O'bama is Irish.  I had no idea.  I guess this news was already out there, but somehow I missed it.

You'd think O'bama and Sean Hannitty would get along better.


...This tradition, as most of you know, was begun by Tip O'Neill and Ronald Reagan, two men who agreed on their love of all things Irish -- including a good scrum. But they also knew how to set aside time just to enjoy one another's company. President Reagan himself said that the two men could be friends after six o?clock. And I imagine they also made a midday exception for this luncheon every year...

...Today is a day we speak with pride of being Irish-American -- whether we actually are or not. (Laughter.) I am pleased to say that I can actually get away with it, and I've got the Taoiseach here to vouch for me. Prime Minister Cowen was born in County Offaly, and I can trace my ancestry on my mother's side there as well. I believe it was my great-great-great-great-great grandfather. (Laughter.) This is true. (Laughter.) He was a boot maker, if I'm not mistaken.
Someone actually discovered my Irish lineage when I was running for President, and my first thought was why didn't anyone discover this when I was running for office in Chicago? (Laughter.) I would have gotten here sooner. (Laughter.) I used to put the apostrophe after the "O" but that did not work. (Laughter.)...

He must have had a shot of Jameson before this speech because he usually isn't very funny.

I must say, that was pretty funny...

Gotta Love Biden!

Supposedly Biden toasted with water...maybe because he was so wasted already?

That would be a great excuse, if he wasn't a walking gaff.

Biden mistakenly blesses Irish leader's mother

WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden asked for God's blessing for the late mother of Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen during a White House celebration of St. Patrick's Day — except the elderly lady is very much alive.
"God rest her soul," Biden said Wednesday night as he introduced Cowen and President Barack Obama. He quickly caught himself and noted that it's Cowen's father who is no longer living. Of the prime minister's mother, Biden said, "God bless her soul."
Biden then cited the Irish proverb that "a silent mouth is sweet to hear" and yielded the podium to the president.

What about Biden silencing his mouth?

Thankfully, that will never happen.  If he hasn't learned his lesson yet, he never will...

Dengler Likes 'em Dumb, I like 'em CRAZY!

But I have good reason on this.  Crazy in the head=Crazy in bed.

There is a crazy chick in the news so I just can't resist.  You know, a lot of guys would hit on the chicks that are dumb or smart or blond or brunette, but give me a chick with daddy issues and crazy eyes, that's the one for me!

I mean, My God, check this out...

Look at that picture and tell me she doesn't have issues!  

The funny thing is that now she is saying she is outraged by the photos...?

Oh, yeah, how could you know the scene you were posing for, you weren't even there...oh wait, YES!  You were there, that's you in the picture with Dora, Kermit and Barney, and with no pants, a man's shirt and uh-hum...A PEARL NECKLACE.

I love this chick, she is a double scoop of crazy.

OK, in the GQ interview, when Hunter first meets Edwards she says, "You're so hot."   He says thank you, and the story moves on.  I want to excerpt a piece to show her craziness...

So you say, "You're so hot." Then what?
I said I could help him. Which I really believed I could. And quite frankly—well, depending on your perspective, I really have. 

And that president thing, whatever.
Yeah. So I said, "I can help you." And he said, "I want your help. I need your help." And he told me how to contact him [at the Regency]. He said, "Please call me." I said, "How long are you staying?" He said, "Until tomorrow morning. Please, call me. Call me." 

What did you mean by "I can help you?"
That I could help him see who he is instead of what he's not. The person standing in front of me was not the person they were selling, or his public persona. He was completely opposite from his public persona. 

So it's not like you were thinking, I can help you by videotaping the campaign?

You were thinking—
That I could help him become more integrated so that people could see that he had it going on. 

 And that says about enough, I love crazy chicks!